The Testicle Tension Tester

18 03 2009

The Testicle Tension Tester is a scientific approach to resolving the traffic violations which are making the roads so dangerous nowadays.
Statistics are clear: Men are the primary cause for traffic accidents. The worse the accident the higher the chance it was caused by a man.
Sorry blokes: scientific fact.
And it isn’t really your fault, theoretically men are perfectly capable of driving cars. It’s simply a biological problem: Men have lots of testosterone.
This prohibits intelligent thought and responsible behavior.
Hence the awful driving.

car-crash

You see, on a racing track, with all the men driving in the same direction, and no intersections, or oncoming traffic, men do fine. They still manage the occasional horrible crash of course, but it remains contained. The real problem arises when men start driving in the real world.
Because men have another disadvantage: they can not multi-task.
Men can only do one thing at a time. That isn’t so bad, if they would really do only one thing at a time, like driving when driving. But men also suffer from delusions of grandeur, they think they can: phone, internet, text, talk and drive all at the same time.
And they can’t.
Combine that with the difficulties of driving in the real world: cars, roads, intersections, crossings, other cars on the roads, traffic lights, ànd oncoming traffic…. it’s just asking for trouble. And if these aren’t challenging enough for the common male, comes the most debilitating affliction: they suffer from Testosterone.
Testosterone inspires weird thoughts in male humans:

  • It makes them think that traffic rules or red lights are for other people, but not for them, because they are above traffic rules and red lights.
  • It makes men react weirdly if they are overtaken. Testosterone makes them think that when some car overtakes them it is an ”insult” and they have to overtake that car again and if that car is driven by another male instead of a woman then things keep escalating.
  • It makes them think that driving too fast, endangering other participants in traffic is a cool thing to do.
  • It makes them think that it is reasonable to drive very close to the car in front of them if it is not driving fast enough according to their own weird testosterone driven sense of sensible speed.

So you see how dangerous traffic situations are mostly driven by males suffering from excess testosterone.

So, I was driving with a girlfriend, and we were discussing the more scary rides we had while sitting next to male drivers, and listening to the bizarre justifications they invent to assure us that they are different, they just happen to have a superior traffic-sixth-sense which enables them to disregard nonsensical stuff like traffic laws, speed limits, or red lights….
Yeah right…
And we came to the conclusion that these blokes suffer from a purely male disorder: Excess Testosterone, culminating in hard balls, cutting off blood supply to the brain, and eventually causing very dangerous driving behavior.

How to make the roads safer? We came up with a very simple, small addition, in every car

The Testicle Tension Tester

testicle tension tester

Here’s how it works:
All cars have their starter-engine blocked by default. So the engine can only be started if the TTT un-blocks the starter-engine.
The intended driver approaches the driving seat, a sophisticated pheromone sniffer (A) is installed in the seat. The sniffer will determine if the driver is either a male, or female. If the driver is female the starter engine will be unblocked. If the driver is male the TTT will start up. The man sits down in the drivers’ seat. The TTT grapple (B) will reach up and grab the subjects testicles, slowly increasing pressure using a sophisticated wire-system which is linked to a small electric engine (D). To reduce unnecessary stress during this  painful experiment, the points of the TTT’s grapple are covered with small rubber balls (C).
The results are processed in the micro-computer (E) which decides if the tension has not reached a point where total brain-shutdown, and therefore dangerous driving, will result. If that is the case then the starter engine will be unblocked.
If, however, the tension is too high to ensure Masculine Road Safety, the starter engine will not get un-blocked, and so the engine won’t start. The male driver will have to either give up the seat to a female driver, or do something to lessen the tension.
I don’t know about that stuff.
I’m a girl.

Anyway,  research indicates that road safety will be improved by at least 84,8% if the TTT is installed in all road vehicles. Let’s lobby for a worldwide distribution!

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31 responses

18 03 2009
Saudi in US

Oh, this device will finally convince Saudi men to allow women driving. They will import Pakistani female drivers from that point on.

18 03 2009
sirius

As the mother of three grown sons (thankfully–I don’t know how they survived all the car wrecks). I would say 16 year old boys certainly would never be able to start the car–and most likely the driving age for men would raise
to at least 30! In fact, men being inordinately proud of their testosterone levels, they would soon be embarrassed to be seen driving! I would suggest you
submit your brilliant idea to the Saudi government because (if I remember correctly) they have the worst RTA death rate per capita.
Saying that– female( Emirate) drivers in the UAE were amazingly terrible. I don’t think they could see anything around the scarves and veils and through
those dark tinted windows–but no matter–they drove and all the drivers around them cleared the way!

18 03 2009
sabiwabi

The next time I can’t think of a science fair project for my daughter….I’m sending her to you.

18 03 2009
Aafke

Saudi in US, Damn, hadn’t thought of importing female Pakistany drivers, still no driving for Saudi women….

Sirius, exactely, the men will even be ashamed to be seen behind the wheel, unless they’ve reached a very ripe old age…
But it only proves the point: road safety will be dramatically improved!!!

Sabiwabi, you think they’d allow the Testicle Tension Tester? Are you in America? Americans are always so silly and prudish.

18 03 2009
sabiwabi

Yeah, I’m in the heart of the American Midwest. The most “prudish” of prudes, we are! However, I do live in a vibrant community full of free-thinkers and intellectuals, perhaps they’ll let it pass? 😉

Just kidding.

Mine was more so a remark about your creativity than an actual interest in pursuing the implementation of the TTT in real life. I think the TTT may be ahead of it’s time, don’t you? After all, where are you going to find male volunteers? Good luck!

18 03 2009
Aafke

Well, it’s funny you mention that….
We haven’t actually been able to find any volunteers at all….
We wanted to make a you tube video, but as soon as we have explained our invention, and shown the drawing…
they start running???

18 03 2009
Sumera

lol!

19 03 2009
Lat

I like the sound of the title.:) Men always tend to assume that women are such lousy drivers esp when she had to deal with a situation.And they point out that women are more concerned of how she looks that she frequently has to check in the mirror and therefore lose forcus.So when it comes to driving,they are just better,no doubt. Well I’m really glad of the scientific fact.But will men believe? Like someone said above, non will volunteer.And even if they do,it’s to prove the system wrong. What can you expect from men.:)

19 03 2009
American Bedu

“still no driving for Saudi women….”

Of course not. As long as men have Testicles Saudi women will not drive.

I can see that light bulb starting to turn on. Stop it now, do not even think about going there. You will have a huge lawsuit on your hand, if the safety component (c) somehow fails in all vehicles shipped to Saudi 🙂

19 03 2009
BCIS

Yea…you know what….I like my man with testosterone…thank you very much. LOL I think that is a valued physiological attribute. However, I do agree…women are better drivers. I know I drive better than my husband.

I would accept a female driver only if she agreed to just drive and shut the hell up. 😉

19 03 2009
coolred38

Install that device and I have a feeling a whole lot of men will be hesitating before putting their tush in the seat…they are rather sensitive like that.

19 03 2009
Achelois

Haha!

19 03 2009
daggero

Playing with our balls will not make the road safer , i assure you . It may induce other hormones to cloud our vision .
This invention maybe useful as a cheap cow milker .
Thanks anyway for keeeping our testis in your thoughts .

20 03 2009
INAL

Aafke- you need a disclaimer- “Failure of the TTT will occasion users to be elegible for Lingerie Shops; Hair Salons; All Day Spas; and the occasional Harem duties… Safety from Muttawa will also be assured”

20 03 2009
Aafke

Sumera, 🙂

Lat, No… They will not believe. No they do not volunteer. Yes they will try to prove the TTT wrong……..

20 03 2009
MayaNoor

You’re too funny LOL!

20 03 2009
Aafke

American bedu… :mrgreen: I think for Saudi Arabia we could add a little extra something…. with a slicing action……
but that would mean all men can still drive cars and women in KSA will never get a drivers license…
On the other hand, the numbers of elderly widows being sentenced to torture for having nephews delivering bread to them will be drastically reduced…

BCIS, but as long as your hb isn’t driving the Saudi version there is no fear of him losing his testosterone…. :mrgreen: anyway, men can still drive? Only not if the Testicle Tension has reached questionable levels….

coolred38…. men are such sissies!

Achelois 😀

daggero, leave it to you to interpret a simple tension-squeezing test to ”playing”….. never mind, as soon as the ”playing” results in unexeptional tension-levels, the engine will automatically shut down… :mrgreen:
And I am keeping roadsafety in my thoughts, thank you very much! :x: The attention towards testes are a nessecary means to reach maximum road-safety!
I bet you would never be able to start even a wheelchair….. :mrgreen: 😛

Inal: 😀 😀 😀

MayaNoor, thank you 😀

20 03 2009
susanne430

Wow! You have some great ideas. It’s amazing how your brain works. Such creativity! 🙂 You need to get a patent for this so no one steals your idea!

I agree that you are lady to see for a science project idea! Ha!!! 😀

21 03 2009
BCIS

LOL!!!

21 03 2009
susanne430

I wonder what Aafke is drawing and/or researching now. Can’t wait to find out!!

*wringing hands in anticipation*

21 03 2009
INAL

Hopefully she’s doing a piece on the Communal Brainswashing session- yes?

22 03 2009
susanne430

Nope, seems it was etiquette for us. You mean we have to have manners on these blogs?!

😉

22 03 2009
sf

I always say that men think that they came out of their mother’s womb driving a car ;). They (men) think that all bad drivers are either senior citizens or women. @

22 03 2009
Aafke

BCIS, 😀

Susanne, the next Danish cartoon is in the make…

INAL what’s that?

susanne :mrgreen:

sf yes, they are deluded…. and they do not want to know the truth :mrgreen:

22 03 2009
INAL

Aafke- I am referring to the comment I posted on Suroor’s blog about my “Communal Brainwashing” wish in the “For the Maids in the Gulf” post.You had stated that at some point you would post on something on a similar idea of a Sufferagette… Knowing your creativeness- I am waiting patiently… 🙂

25 03 2009
Tony

I’m not sure if I’m really too keen on the TTT Grapple device. I’ll leave the test drive to someone else. Dennis maybe, cos he’s nootered

9 08 2010
Intracranial Ground Zero

Testicles, testicles, where are my testicles….oh, got ´em.
Never will anyone or thing, touch my testis without permission. This is nuts!!!
Instead of checking the testosterone, the device should be designed to crawl the crownjewels instead. Not too much (could cause even more distraction than the hormone xD) but on a moderate level it´s very relaxing and slowing down the aggressive driving behaviour. The result will be a slower driving speed, less rage when stuck in traffic and even arguing children on the backseat (my ex gf and me called it the car syndrome) won´t bother you in the same way. Just consider it. Might help finding male volunteers. =)

11 08 2010
Aafke-Art

You’re just scared of never being able to drive again!
😈

11 08 2010
Intracranial Ground Zero

Yes, ma´am, I am 😉

11 08 2010
Aafke-Art

😈

20 12 2011
94hasan

Ur right but still too mean yes men rush and brake rules
but this TTT is sth unbearable i wont allow any one/thing to touch my testicles
there is an easier solution that is to covince men to abide by rules and forget about there idiotic sixth sense , we just need to stop men from being too risky and advanturous on the road but we dont need to let them test sth unbearable
and beleive me this ttt will distract the man from concentrating on the road because he will be always thinking of his testicles and that will surely cause more accedents on the road that is not a solution

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