The Testicle Tension Tester is a scientific approach to resolving the traffic violations which are making the roads so dangerous nowadays.
Statistics are clear: Men are the primary cause for traffic accidents. The worse the accident the higher the chance it was caused by a man.
Sorry blokes: scientific fact.
And it isn’t really your fault, theoretically men are perfectly capable of driving cars. It’s simply a biological problem: Men have lots of testosterone.
This prohibits intelligent thought and responsible behavior.
Hence the awful driving.
You see, on a racing track, with all the men driving in the same direction, and no intersections, or oncoming traffic, men do fine. They still manage the occasional horrible crash of course, but it remains contained. The real problem arises when men start driving in the real world.
Because men have another disadvantage: they can not multi-task.
Men can only do one thing at a time. That isn’t so bad, if they would really do only one thing at a time, like driving when driving. But men also suffer from delusions of grandeur, they think they can: phone, internet, text, talk and drive all at the same time.
And they can’t.
Combine that with the difficulties of driving in the real world: cars, roads, intersections, crossings, other cars on the roads, traffic lights, ànd oncoming traffic…. it’s just asking for trouble. And if these aren’t challenging enough for the common male, comes the most debilitating affliction: they suffer from Testosterone.
Testosterone inspires weird thoughts in male humans:
- It makes them think that traffic rules or red lights are for other people, but not for them, because they are above traffic rules and red lights.
- It makes men react weirdly if they are overtaken. Testosterone makes them think that when some car overtakes them it is an ”insult” and they have to overtake that car again and if that car is driven by another male instead of a woman then things keep escalating.
- It makes them think that driving too fast, endangering other participants in traffic is a cool thing to do.
- It makes them think that it is reasonable to drive very close to the car in front of them if it is not driving fast enough according to their own weird testosterone driven sense of sensible speed.
So you see how dangerous traffic situations are mostly driven by males suffering from excess testosterone.
So, I was driving with a girlfriend, and we were discussing the more scary rides we had while sitting next to male drivers, and listening to the bizarre justifications they invent to assure us that they are different, they just happen to have a superior traffic-sixth-sense which enables them to disregard nonsensical stuff like traffic laws, speed limits, or red lights….
And we came to the conclusion that these blokes suffer from a purely male disorder: Excess Testosterone, culminating in hard balls, cutting off blood supply to the brain, and eventually causing very dangerous driving behavior.
How to make the roads safer? We came up with a very simple, small addition, in every car
The Testicle Tension Tester
Here’s how it works:
All cars have their starter-engine blocked by default. So the engine can only be started if the TTT un-blocks the starter-engine.
The intended driver approaches the driving seat, a sophisticated pheromone sniffer (A) is installed in the seat. The sniffer will determine if the driver is either a male, or female. If the driver is female the starter engine will be unblocked. If the driver is male the TTT will start up. The man sits down in the drivers’ seat. The TTT grapple (B) will reach up and grab the subjects testicles, slowly increasing pressure using a sophisticated wire-system which is linked to a small electric engine (D). To reduce unnecessary stress during this painful experiment, the points of the TTT’s grapple are covered with small rubber balls (C).
The results are processed in the micro-computer (E) which decides if the tension has not reached a point where total brain-shutdown, and therefore dangerous driving, will result. If that is the case then the starter engine will be unblocked.
If, however, the tension is too high to ensure Masculine Road Safety, the starter engine will not get un-blocked, and so the engine won’t start. The male driver will have to either give up the seat to a female driver, or do something to lessen the tension.
I don’t know about that stuff.
I’m a girl.
Anyway, research indicates that road safety will be improved by at least 84,8% if the TTT is installed in all road vehicles. Let’s lobby for a worldwide distribution!