Dating is hot right now in blogsphere! Check out American Bedu’s heretic post on Saudi dating! Bedu’s controversial honesty in naming things as they are, has resulted in some pretty hot comments, including several spin offs on other blogs ranging from the ”This haram hussy will burn in hell for all the fitnah she is causing”, to Hning’s even more haram post: ”Extreme Saudi Girls’ Dating Guide”. Starting with: ”Bring a condom” Sheesh!
So, my own personal view on dating. I think it’s very important when setting out to make clear to yourself what your own intensions and wishes are, do you just want a bit of fun? Or are you looking for your soulmate? Your dreamrabbit?
This is very personal and different for everybody of course, so I will publish my list of standards as an example. I think it’s really important to set the level for yourself, and what you will, or will not tolerate. This should reflect what you stand for and what you believe in.
- I want a serious long term relationship
- no drinking, drugs, or anything else which makes me uncomfortable
- I want a man I can completely trust and give my love to freely
- he must be, and show it by his actions, a good kind loving person
- I will not settle for anything less than the real deal, a real first class soulmate
- I will not hang around if a man makes me feel bad, unhappy, uncomfortable. Not for any reason, any excuse. If a man makes me feel bad in any way, I am gone!
Not too much to ask for is it?
Apparently it is, recently I have had to add a few guidelines for myself. Now these are guidelines every woman should take to heart, because if a man does not stand up to these guidelines, there is something seriously wrong, and you are not only hurting yourself, and wasting your valuable time, but shutting yourself off, and you might miss the real soulmate when he passes by!
Warning signs guidelines:
- Be careful if the relationship starts off like a rocket, and he seems ”too good to be true”
- Do not date a man who does not want to talk about the future
- Do not date a man who does not keep his word
- Do not date a man if you can’t find conclusive proof he is ”available” aka not married
- Do not date a man who ”is too busy for you right now”
- Do not date a man who keeps you waiting by the phone
- Do not date a man who is not willing to meet or date with you
- Do not date a man who’s unwilling to supply you with proof to back up his statements
- It is quite possible he really is too good to be true, but you are already too boiled over by your good luck, and his beautiful words to see clearly!
- When a man does not want to talk about the future he is not interested in a future with you. So if you’re goal is to find out if this particular bloke is a possible future soulmate, then you should be able to talk about the future with him. If not, stop waisting your time!
- Need I say more? A man who does not keep his word is waste material, and unworthy of you!
- The first aspect of life a dishonest man likes to lie about is his ”availabillity”. You are the one putting yourself most at risk, you have every right to ask him to provide proof. If he doesn’t want to give you proof? Stop waisting your time and heart.
- He is ”busy”, he has ”important appointments”, ”his work is devouring him”, etc. All very well, but what he’s really saying is: ”You are way down my list, I can only give you the scraps of time that are left after I did all the really important stuff on my list”. If you are satisfied with being at the bottom of the list after: work, sports, hanging out with friends, etc. fine, keep going. If not, get out!
- If he promises to ”call you tonight” and he doesn’t, you are immediately prone to think up all kinds of excuses, but get real: with modern phones, there is no excuse for not calling you when he promised! It’s no big deal, you might think… Well, think again, it is a big deal! If you met him on-line, his only chance to proof to you how honest and reliable and careful for your well-being he is, is by giving you that friggin’ call! If he can’t even bother that much, get out!
To promise to call, or be on-line tonight, and then call or mail you three days later amounts to mental abuse. Don’t hang around for it!
- Once you meet somebody on-line, and you are starting to get really deeply involved, and he claims the same, set up a meeting. If you care so much you are willing to spend time money and effort to meet and he can’t be bothered? ”To busy”, ”No time”, ”Not yet”, ”Am going on a holiday”, etc. Take the hint: he doesn’t want to meet you! Why? You can bet there’s something fishy: Get out of the water!
- Speaks for itself. You have the right to guard yourself, any refusal to provide you, the ”Love of his life”, with credentials can mean only one thing: he doesn’t have any.
Especially as we now often meet people through the internet it is very important to add a few extra guidelines.
And always, always, listen to your intuition! If your intuition sends a bell ringing, listen well!
Here is a really interesting list of words and translations, from a book (written by a man) of man-speak
1-The word. 2-What it should mean. 3- What it sometimes means
- 1-Friend 2-I would never hurt you 3-I’m just not that much into you
- 1-Busy 2-I was inaugurated President of the United states today 3-I’m just not that much into you
- 1-I’m not ready 2-I can’t find my jacket 3-I’m just not that much into you
- 1-Call me 2-I just dropped my cell-phone in the ocean and I lost your number 3-I’m just not that much into you
- 1-Fear of intimacy 2-A fear of being intimate 3-I’m just not that much into you
- 1-Forgot to call you 2-I was in intensive care, in coma after the accident 3-I’m just not that much into you
- 1-I love you 2- I love you with every fiber of my soul 3-I need some amusement, but for the rest I’m just not that much into you.
There are some signs of which you should be beware in a new relationship:
The first is information control: If your partner knows far more about you than you know about him, there’s a chance there’s a hidden agenda in play.
Another sign is the presence of a lot of “impression management” — you have an idea of what your partner is like, but you’ve never really had any of the information verified.
A third sign, deceptive relationships usually take off like a rocket … like love at first sight, if you know what I mean.
Another sign is all the “tending and narrowing” that takes place in the relationship. Liars want to keep their partners on a short leash — out of contact with the real world — out of contact with people who might know the truth.
Finally, a very strong sign that you’re mixed up with a liar is that your intuition will eventually signal you. That’s just the way it usually works.
It is really important to have a check-list like this, because we women are so apt to put our own interests aside, and start ”making sacrifices”. Another really big mental defect in the dating-game is honesty. If you yourself are honest, and true, and even worse, combined with a genuine desire to please others, than you are in a big disadvantage when the deceivers knock at your door. Most of us are raised with a ”truth-bias” we are brought up to be honest, we expect others to be honest, and it seems really weird and impolite to ask the other party for some proof.
and let’s not forget our most valuable defense while looking for a
And to keep us from ending up with a
is our instinct, our intuition! Our societies and cultures have biased us against listening to our intuition, whenever you bring it up you get ridiculed. Don’t listen to them, listen to your intuition, every time my intuition warned me and I ignored it, I found out later I should have listened! Intuition is nothing magical, it’s just our subconscious supplying us with a ready conclusion worked out by information available in the dark recesses of our brain where our conscious doesn’t look.
Always listen to that little warning bell, that little voice inside your head. I don’t mean throw everything overboard immediately, but acknowledge it, and take it for what it is: you own mind telling you it is time to search for proof, for security, in your own interest.
I’m not stupid, I know there are many people running around who are totally selfish, and have no hearts, no care for the suffering of others. Yet time and time again I keep being duped because again and again I think, ”But they can’t be lying about this? They can’t be that bad?”
Guess what? They are…
You can read anyone (never to be lied to or taken advantage of again) by David J. Liebermann
Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus by John Gray
He’s just not that into you by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo
Romantic Deception: The Six Signs He’s Lying by Sally Caldwell
And last but not least: Get a Dog!
A Woman with a Dog has a daily reminder of the standards we would like to see in a man.