Clouddragon’s ultimate dating guide

8 12 2008

Dating is hot right now in blogsphere! Check out American Bedu’s heretic post on Saudi dating! Bedu’s controversial honesty in naming things as they are, has resulted in some pretty hot comments, including several spin offs on other blogs ranging from the ”This haram hussy will burn in hell for all the fitnah she is causing”, to Hning’s even more haram post: ”Extreme Saudi Girls’ Dating Guide”. Starting with: ”Bring a condom” Sheesh! :mrgreen:

So, my own personal view on dating. I think it’s very important when setting out to make clear to yourself what your own intensions and wishes are, do you just want a bit of fun? Or are you looking for your soulmate? Your dreamrabbit?

dream-rabbit_angora

This is very personal and different for everybody of course, so I will publish my list of standards as an example. I think it’s really important to set the level for yourself, and what you will, or will not tolerate. This should reflect what you stand for and what you believe in.

  • I want a serious long term relationship
  • no drinking, drugs, or anything else which makes me uncomfortable
  • I want a man I can completely trust and give my love to freely
  • he must be, and show it by his actions, a good kind loving person
  • I will not settle for anything less than the real deal, a real first class soulmate
  • I will not hang around if a man makes me feel bad, unhappy, uncomfortable. Not for any reason, any excuse. If a man makes me feel bad in any way, I am gone!

dream-baby-bunny

Not too much to ask for is it?
Apparently it is, recently I have had to add a few guidelines for myself. Now these are guidelines every woman should take to heart, because if a man does not stand up to these guidelines, there is something seriously wrong, and you are not only hurting yourself, and wasting your valuable time, but shutting yourself off, and you might miss the real soulmate when he passes by!

Warning signs guidelines:

  1. Be careful if the relationship starts off like a rocket, and he seems ”too good to be true”
  2. Do not date a man who does not want to talk about the future
  3. Do not date a man who does not keep his word
  4. Do not date a man if you can’t find conclusive proof he is ”available” aka not married
  5. Do not date a man who ”is too busy for you right now”
  6. Do not date a man who keeps you waiting by the phone
  7. Do not date a man who is not willing to meet or date with you
  8. Do not date a man who’s unwilling to supply you with proof to back up his statements

Because:

  1. It is quite possible he really is too good to be true, but you are already too boiled over by your good luck, and his beautiful words to see clearly!
  2. When a man does not want to talk about the future he is not interested in a future with you. So if you’re goal is to find out if this particular bloke is a possible future soulmate, then you should be able to talk about the future with him. If not, stop waisting your time!
  3. Need I say more? A man who does not keep his word is waste material, and unworthy of you!
  4. The first aspect of life a dishonest man likes to lie about is his ”availabillity”. You are the one putting yourself most at risk, you have every right to ask him to provide proof. If he doesn’t want to give you proof? Stop waisting your time and heart.
  5. He is ”busy”, he has ”important appointments”, ”his work is devouring him”, etc. All very well, but what he’s really saying is: ”You are way down my list, I can only give you the scraps of time that are left after I did all the really important stuff on my list”. If you are satisfied with being at the bottom of the list after: work, sports, hanging out with friends, etc. fine, keep going. If not, get out!
  6. If he promises to ”call you tonight” and he doesn’t, you are immediately prone to think up all kinds of excuses, but get real: with modern phones, there is no excuse for not calling you when he promised! It’s no big deal, you might think… Well, think again, it is a big deal! If you met him on-line, his only chance to proof to you how honest and reliable and careful for your well-being he is, is by giving you that friggin’ call! If he can’t even bother that much, get out!
    To promise to call, or be on-line tonight, and then call or mail you three days later amounts to mental abuse. Don’t hang around for it!
  7. Once you meet somebody on-line, and you are starting to get really deeply involved, and he claims the same, set up a meeting. If you care so much you are willing to spend time money and effort to meet and he can’t be bothered? ”To busy”, ”No time”, ”Not yet”, ”Am going on a holiday”, etc. Take the hint: he doesn’t want to meet you! Why? You can bet there’s something fishy: Get out of the water!
  8. Speaks for itself. You have the right to guard yourself, any refusal to provide you, the ”Love of his life”, with credentials can mean only one thing: he doesn’t have any.

Especially as we now often meet people through the internet it is very important to add a few extra guidelines.
And always, always, listen to your intuition! If your intuition sends a bell ringing, listen well!

Here is a really interesting list of words and translations, from a book (written by a man) of man-speak

1-The word. 2-What it should mean. 3- What it sometimes means

  • 1-Friend 2-I would never hurt you 3-I’m just not that much into you
  • 1-Busy 2-I was inaugurated President of the United states today 3-I’m just not that much into you
  • 1-I’m not ready 2-I can’t find my jacket 3-I’m just not that much into you
  • 1-Call me 2-I just dropped my cell-phone in the ocean and I lost your number 3-I’m just not that much into you
  • 1-Fear of intimacy 2-A fear of being intimate 3-I’m just not that much into you
  • 1-Forgot to call you 2-I was in intensive care, in coma after the accident 3-I’m just not that much into you
  • 1-I love you 2- I love you with every fiber of my soul 3-I need some amusement, but for the rest I’m just not that much into you.

cockroach_closeup

There are some signs of which you should be beware in a new relationship:

The first is information control: If your partner knows far more about you than you know about him, there’s a chance there’s a hidden agenda in play.
Another sign is the presence of a lot of “impression management” — you have an idea of what your partner is like, but you’ve never really had any of the information verified.
A third sign, deceptive relationships usually take off like a rocket … like love at first sight, if you know what I mean.
Another sign is all the “tending and narrowing” that takes place in the relationship. Liars want to keep their partners on a short leash — out of contact with the real world — out of contact with people who might know the truth.

Finally, a very strong sign that you’re mixed up with a liar is that your intuition will eventually signal you. That’s just the way it usually works.

It is really important to have a check-list like this, because we women are so apt to put our own interests aside, and start ”making sacrifices”. Another really big mental defect in the dating-game is honesty. If you yourself are honest, and true, and even worse, combined with a genuine desire to please others, than you are in a big disadvantage when the deceivers knock at your door. Most of us are raised with a ”truth-bias” we are brought up to be honest, we expect others to be honest, and it seems really weird and impolite to ask the other party for some proof.

and let’s not forget our most valuable defense while looking for a

dream-rabbit

And to keep us from ending up with a

dream-rabbit-rat

is our instinct, our intuition! Our societies and cultures have biased us against listening to our intuition, whenever you bring it up you get ridiculed. Don’t listen to them, listen to your intuition, every time my intuition warned me and I ignored it, I found out later I should have listened! Intuition is nothing magical, it’s just our subconscious supplying us with a ready conclusion worked out by information available in the dark recesses of our brain where our conscious doesn’t look.

Always listen to that little warning bell, that little voice inside your head. I don’t mean throw everything overboard immediately, but acknowledge it, and take it for what it is: you own mind telling you it is time to search for proof, for security, in your own interest.
I’m not stupid, I know there are many people running around who are totally selfish, and have no hearts, no care for the suffering of others. Yet time and time again I keep being duped because again and again I think, ”But they can’t be lying about this? They can’t be that bad?”
Guess what? They are…

Seminal reading:
You can read anyone (never to be lied to or taken advantage of again) by David J. Liebermann

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus by John Gray

He’s just not that into you by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo

Romantic Deception: The Six Signs He’s Lying by Sally Caldwell

And last but not least: Get a Dog!
A Woman with a Dog has a daily reminder of the standards we would like to see in a man.

zora-op-schoot-1

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31 responses

8 12 2008
American Bedu

Excellent post and whoever you do ultimately select to be your Dreamrabbit is going to be a fortunate and priveledged individual indeed. Never ever settle for one who starts to smell like a rat!

8 12 2008
Aafke

Hè, he, he! Thank you bedu! 😀

8 12 2008
susanne430

Ha, ha…..you are funny! Yeah, I noticed you were addressed on a blog recently re: this topic. Hmmmm.

Cute post! Good to see Aafke’s dating guide today! 😀

8 12 2008
Aafke

I was mentioned on a blog? which blog?
Anything juicy? one of the blogs by the black-veiled-hags?

8 12 2008
Krystal Bell

I could not agree with you more.Excellent post in my expert opinion.Carry on!Let’s get the word out to the young ladies and the older once will benefit from it as well.

Did you get your Masters in psychiatry clouddragon?By the way.Or life of hard knocks?I can see by your procedure that you have earned a degree in something or another.

8 12 2008
susanne430

Well, it was in the comments section. I was like, “Wow, what did Aafke say?” so I found American Bedu’s blog to see your scandalous words. 😉

9 12 2008
tulip

Excellent advice Aafke and I’m loving the little bunnies. So cute. I want 🙂

9 12 2008
Lat

Good guidelines for mate selection.Btw some women do rate a dog more faithful and loyal than a man.They even settle living with one or two their entire lives!
Very cute pics.Hope you’re feeling much better now.

9 12 2008
Dennis the Vizsla

Hey, hooded rats are actually very sweet! Human rats, on the other hand, not so much …

9 12 2008
Hning

I’m a big fan of dogs. And cats. And most living things that don’t talk too much. 😀 Thanks for linking me, Aafke.

And good luck in hunting bunnies.

9 12 2008
Aafke

Kristal Bell, hard knocks it was.

susanne430, screw them

Tulip, don’t we all……

Lat, have yet to meet a man who can measure up to my dog…. sigh…

Dennis, do not suppose I was villifying rats here, 😉 the rat picture was placed as a metaphore for the man who lied to me and hurt me.

Hning, welcome to my blog, 🙂 Yeah, not so easy finding the real dreamrabbit.

9 12 2008
Tony

Good advice Aafke to all the single ladies. Unfortunately there are so many rats/pigs who play Mr. Charming at first then turn into the forementioned rat/pigs after marriage. I never understand why women stay with men who treat them so badly. I guess some feel they have nowhere else to go. Hope you find a good one who will treat you well.

9 12 2008
Tony

P.S. I too was mentioned on a blog once. Nithya was her name you may well remember. Ahhh memories…..

9 12 2008
Aafke

Well Tony, I suppose to find out in time you are being conned is a good thing, but it still hurts. I will never understand why people don’t care how they hurt others.

Ah Tony, old boy, the good old days…
How many blogs ago was that? :mrgreen:

10 12 2008
Tony

Quite a few, I think that was in my original Tazblog days.
I googled & found her!!!
http://theinaneisis.wordpress.com

10 12 2008
Aafke

Tony, Forget her!!!!! There will always be nutters taking umbridge at something you say.

10 12 2008
Lofter

Excellent post, my friend… and quite timely, as well. These tidbits of advice can apply to both sides, as there are as many devious and self-serving women out there as there are men.
As I’ve quoted on my blog before, “If only I could be half the man my dog thinks I am…” If I could, maybe I could find that dreamrabbit you speak of, too. I suppose, in the final analysis, all we can be is who we are. All we can hope is that someone will love us anyway.
Well said, my dear. I may be a million miles away, but I still love ya! 🙂

12 12 2008
Khalid

I told you before you are a HP fan

Thanks, susanne430. I now understood what didn’t make sense to me earlier :). It only took 3 minutes, and voila, my friend Google found those Muggles who enjoy backbiting in their “little veiled … covens”. :).

I apologize Aafke for the misunderstanding I was referring to the “no backbiting” site and not the one susanne430 referred to. Indeed that was backbiting :). If someone, really cares, and in his/her intention is “naseeha”/”khir” (advising others), then s/he should approach the person and have a private/personal/intimate conversation with him/her. As far as the main article is concerned, I agree with most of the main points; however, I totally disagree with most of the comments and the path taken to deliver what is claimed to be “Naseeha”. Haven’t we read before Surah 49 (Al-Hujurat) verse 12? — I should admit, that some Muslims tend to be over-emotional sometimes, and they forget the basics during this over-emotional stage. However, that by no mean proves the gossiping that was going around.

Now back to your post I can replace date with marry, man with woman and voila I have a list that fits me i.e. “Do not date a man who does not keep his word” would be in my version Do not marry a woman who does not keep her word (yeah his should replaced to her too )

P.S. I did well in these 2 tests, and one is remaining I’m getting the deal it seems :). I took the permission from my fiancee to date you but she had one-request: that we date you together — apparently you have another fan two better than one, eh?

12 12 2008
Aafke

Yes, Khalid, you told me, and I told you I already know 😉
yes, well I wrote a post on why I think some people are so unfriendly, and of course that has nothing to do with naseeha.
And I am extra bitchy when somebody bothers my friends.

About the post, I am not sure what everybody means with dating, I think nothing of meeting up with people in a social way be they guys or girls, and my guide is for me with the eye to marriage. But I wouldn’t marry a man if I didn’t have the opportunity of observing him in different situations and circumstances. Otherwise I wouldn’t know if he matches my criteria! 😀 And yes, ofcourse you can interchange men and women. 😉

Ah, and you have a fiancee (do you date? :mrgreen: ) And she likes my blog> What can I say? excellent choice! 😀

12 12 2008
Aafke

PS, what’s with the long comments? did you get your top-grades????

13 12 2008
Khalid

According to Oxford and to Aafke’s definition, yup, I do date her several times a weak. We meet in either Skype or MSN 🙂 this is the location of our dates. We are thousands of miles away :).
P.S. not yet; one test to go.

13 12 2008
Achelois

Perfect list! Really dogs are better than some men!

13 12 2008
Aafke

Khalid! Shame on you! You abandoned philanderer!
😉

Achelois, I’d turn it around: I know very few men who stand up to ”dog-level”

17 12 2008
intlxpatr

How did you get so smart??!!

10 08 2010
Intracranial Ground Zero

I can see the point in this thread but I strongly dislike being compared to a dog! Well, a dog is loyal, excellent. A dog is honest, fine with me.
I have been engaged to a woman, who preferred the same attributes. At the same time, she behaved like me being a real dog in the means that she was the one who decided and led the way just like you do with your dog, and after a while I started to feel like one! She didn´t do it on purpose, she´s a good and kind person (and I´m still having a good friendship with her) but not giving room to me to take over some responsibility or handeling things in a different way just made me insane. When we started dating we made our expectations clear to each other and she wanted a man who was willing to take over different issues. Unfortunately she wasn´t able to loosen the grasp on “her territory” aka. everything. So if woman say, they want a man ho is reliable, honest, loyal, kind etc. they have to work on it as well! Give the space and don´t in anyway take over if he handles things in a different way than you do right from the start. You can fix it later on. It´s a sign of trust. If a honest man doesn´t feel he is trusted, he eventually will become untrustworthy, read: he will lose his motivation to do anything of matter because she will claim it as her responsibility anyways. You get what You expect! Maybe it lies in the fact, her being a decade older than me and me being quite inexperienced compared to her, but this can not be the whole truth. I´ve got a bunch of theories about woman you get involved with a younger (even before I experienced it myself, just through observation) man and unfortunately a lot of aspects were confirmed, so I had to put an end to the relationship.
So the question every selfconcioussed woman should ask herself is: Am I ready for a man who will come into my world of independence and demand the right of taking over or at least having the right to influence parts of my selfconstructed life? If the answer is no, you really should get yourself a dog….

P.S I know I´m beeing quite generalistic in this post but on some levels individuals aren´t that individual….

11 08 2010
Aafke-Art

Intracranial ground zero, I do think that once you get involved with another person your life changes, and you should allow it to be so. You are entering a partnership, and it should be one of equals.
It also helps if you enjoy and are amused by the differences, and not try to change the other partner.

And one always puts ones self at risk when dating, but: no pain no gain.

I don’t ”lead” my pets? The way I see it they manipulate me constantly, leading me to do what they want!
If I stay talking to somebody at the entrance to the stable and my horse thinks it is taking too long and calls me over I immediately break off and go to him.
I think I am a very pliable ”boss”!

And yes, I will treat my dream rabbit like my dog 😉
But that is a good thing:
I love and adore my dog, I look after her and feed her making sure she gets the best food, I listen to her if she wants something., I let her manipulate me into doing what she wants, (which is usually taking her with me when it’s inconvenient: those dewy eyes!) I allow her to do her own thing and be a dog, and I laugh my head off because of all the naughty things she does. (and the destruction she causes)

I think the concept of trust you mentioned is one of the most important in a relationship. Even when your trust has been betrayed in an earlier try, you still have to give your trust to your partner, because without trust there can never be a real healthy loving relationship.
of course if the other never trusts you that should give one pause for thought. And if the other betrays your trust it is time to pack up and leave.

11 08 2010
Intracranial Ground Zero

And I did. I´m still not without regret about it, but every time I think about this wonderfull person she is, I remember how it is living in a relationship with her and everything proves me right in leaving. The lesson I´ve learned from this very important and valuable episode of my is that true love isn´t like the romantic way you can see in movies or books. True love in a relationship is not achieved by two persons who are attracted to each other only but requires a lot of work too. From both parts. So once again I´m going on my quest for the “dream rabbit”.
The best trick to find it until now, is to don´t care about if you find it or not. If you desperately are on a “hunt” for it, you won´t catch it. If you are true to yourself, it eventually will show up some day, as it happend to me before.

11 08 2010
Aafke-Art

I agree.
One’s dream rabbit will show up, and the truer you are to yourself the better you will recognize him or her when they pass your path.
And not only does it take work and commitment, you also have to realize that there are natural up and downs in any kind of relationship; you will never live in a constant climax. And that is fine. when the relationship hits the down curve a bit one should not panic, it is natural, and so is the up-curve which will follow.
And also: always leave each other free to be the person they are.

12 08 2010
Intracranial Ground Zero

Signed…

12 08 2010
Aafke-Art

on the dotted line?
😀

12 08 2010
Intracranial Ground Zero

Of course, with a drop of blood next to it. Oh wait, that was the contract with smelly red skinned guy, I apologize for my confusion =)

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