How to become a burglar

11 02 2008

The best training is to become like me. Just walk out of the door, your mind intend on business, and forget to take the keys. Or dump your waste into the underground trash-container together with your keys, which you were stupid enough to be holding in the same hand as your trash-bag. Make sure you do this at 02.00 AM Saturday-night.

Or go to your physiotherapist, this time forgetting nothing; actually on time, and when you get back you find out you didn’t take your house-keys. Again. And, as your neighbour, who normally has an extra key, because you quite realise how stupid you are, but hasn’t gotten it back from the day before yesterday when you did the same thing, you now stand in front of your door with no way of getting in.

keys.jpg

As I mentioned; this is a reoccurring problem in my life, so I have become quite proficient at burgling and entry into my own house. However, being able to get into my own house must mean that other people will be able to do the same thing. So all the little loopholes have been closed by now.

So, there I was, standing in front of my front-door, and wauw!, the quick and easy way in I have now devised to get in!!! I’m not going to tell ya’all, but I certainly must have a good think about what I’m going to do for the rest of my life. I see great prospects!

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17 responses

11 02 2008
Achelois

You are funny 🙂

Maybe you should have multiple sets of extra keys. Sew pockets in your underwear and put the keys in them! At least, rural Afghanis do that and it works.

11 02 2008
Aafke

Achelois: Thank you. 🙂
I call it pathetic. 😉
I have bought a key-locker; you attach it to the wall, and you need a code to open it, and inside is your key!
I now have to attach it though.

Hey, actually a very good idea!, not the underwear: I’m not going to undress ”en plein publique”, but I’m going to attach one with a chain to the inside of my coat!!!
And I have to make a nwe coat for riding: I’ll make a special hidden pocket for it! 🙂

11 02 2008
Tony

Hi There Aafke,
I deleted my blog ‘cos I was becomming too addicted with the whole blogging thing & it became a real time waster, time I should be using for more important stuff. It wasn’t McDonald’s at all, I just suggested to Lofter that story & he ran with it. Freedom of the (word)press I guess.
Hi-De-Ho
Tony 🙂

11 02 2008
Aafke

OK, I’ll just kill Lofter then.

bortaS bIr jablu’DI’ reH QaQqu’ nay’

You should have put up a farewell-post, explaining that you’re stopping. And then leave your blog hanging around for a couple of weeks.
This way it is worrying for your friends. Actually hurt my feelings a bit. 😦

11 02 2008
Lofter

“OK, I’ll just kill Lofter then.”
Gee, thanks! I mean, I’ve always been one whose dying for a laugh, but I never meant it literally! And, once you realized Tony wasn’t being sued and his blog wasn’t actually obliterated by McDeadly’s McArmies, admit it… you smiled… I know you did! 🙂
So, please forgive a old man (or two) that seem to enjoy a somewhat skewed sense of humor… after all, laughter is the best medicine, right? 😀

“But withal, if one is patient in adversity and forgives — this, behold, is indeed something to set one’s heart upon.” Qur’an 42:43

11 02 2008
Aafke

”Understanding is a three-edged sword.” (Kosh Naranek (Babylon V))

Yes, yes, ok, I smiled. On one side. 😉
And if I’ll travel all the way to Texas, I’m sure I can spend my time better on a peacefull visit! 🙂
So rest in peace:
I will be patient and forgiving.

You over-clever Texan

12 02 2008
Lofter

See… that’s why I love you! Nobody ever says I’m clever! 😉

13 02 2008
Amina Ae Sook

What you need is meet a really bright physicist and then borrow him/her time machine. Every time you lose your keys just back in time steal the keys from yourself and then come back to your time. O wait, you are already losing your keys in the present, it could be the future you stealing it. 🙂

13 02 2008
Aafke

OK, getting really confused here. I’ll just stick to more keys in more places.
As it is, my brother also has a key, my friend Sandra has a key and she would have been delighted to bring it to me, but my mobile-phone was inside, and so I couldn’t call anybody.

13 02 2008
jahandost

Post a note on your main door that says “Aafke, are you forgetting your keys?” This way you will always check your keys right before leaving the house.

13 02 2008
Lofter

…and immediately under that posted note, post another that says, “Aafke, if you’re forgetting your keys, have you got your cell phone?”
Of course, you could always just leave your door unlocked… then keys would be of no consequence, right? Where’s your trust in your fellow human beings? =-O

14 02 2008
Aafke

The notes are, in themselves, a good idea. But, you know, one would stop noticing them after a while.

You have no idea how fobic I am nowadays when I leave my house: sometimes I have two sets of keys on me.
Except when I leave without any.

Lofter: the open-door policy is really well thought out, and very typical of your superior brainpower. Been spending much time at the end of the rainbow have you?

Where is my trust in my fellow human beings? Good one, lets see: my businesspartner who throws me to the wolves, my dear sisters who decieve me (over money! disgusting! As if there aren’t worse things that have happened) who threaten with lawsuits because I won’t sign the papers unless I get my diploma’s back and some of my mothers jewellery.
Or the bozo’s that burgled my house and emptied it of everything valuable (mainly presents from my parents) while I was in hospital being told by a sympathetic doctor that I just lost part of my lungs and I’ll just have to live with it, and don’t whine?

I bet they would love it if I left the door unlocked: would save bashing in the windows. But then the insurance would skip at giving me some cash to replace stuff.
No: if you want to rob me I insist you put some honest work into it!

14 02 2008
Lofter

Sounds like you just need to move to Texas! Somebody breaks into a house, the homeowner shoots ’em, end of story! (We just be some simple folk with simple ways… lol!) :->

14 02 2008
Aafke

I’d love to do that Lofter, but it implies that I’d have to be home when they break in!

And I could feed the remains to my killer/attack-dog, so safe on the food-bills as well! 🙂

15 02 2008
Amina Ae Sook

Ok so that was a nerdy joke. I should stop hanging out with the nerds. Texas is ok, I root for Ca-lee-for-nee-aa

15 02 2008
Lofter

Nerds? Where?

15 02 2008
Aafke

Amina: This is a NERD-blog! Any nerdy-comments are totally proper and right!

”You have always been here.” Kosh Naranek (babylon V)

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